Well, this past week I was looking down into the holler toward Webb’s Creek thinking about my grocery store coupons…a lifetime first experience. I hear every day now that our economy is “Issue #1” and I’m getting my brain thoroughly washed on that topic. Just when I think that television news can’t possibly get any worse CNN’s Lou Dobbs dredges up some new terrible jobs or trade crisis that will lead to the downfall of life as we used to know it. Instead of those depressing fear-mongering pundits on TV we need more folks like economic advisor and optimist Senator Phil Gramm who recently advised, “Don’t Worry….Be Happy.” I’m beginning to believe there is merit in that old adage, “Ignorance is Bliss.” Well, drastic economic times call for drastic economic measures so I actually pocketed my grocery store coupons this week and reviewed my itemized grocery store receipt. 
At my wife’s request I purchased a gallon of fat-free milk even though it tastes like milky-colored water, orange juice with “lots” of pulp—an impulse selection, five frozen dinners, thirty-six cans of diet pepsi (my main food group) and some hunks of white and red meat. I was especially excited when I bagged a few fresh South Carolina peaches and a buy-one get one free container of blueberries. Whenever possible I prefer to eat things that can’t be grown and harvested in a Jersey warehouse. As I rounded the dairy aisle I had a strong yearning for some imitation crabmeat and bought a package that included a little container of cocktail sauce. Imitation crabmeat is a second cousin to spam, but most of the fake crab ingredients are gathered from things that have fins. It is a meal in itself. I scooted down the dogfood aisle, loaded up and then headed for the brightly lit sign and the smiling lady at check-out lane #3.
The grocery tab was $136.03, but I also received a bonus of five valuable coupons. I have never actually used a coupon so the concept of just looking at them was a new personal milestone of enlightened consumerism. The hi-tech computer system must have thoughtfully chosen coupons based on my purchases and future needs because I received two $1 off coupons and one 50 cents off coupon for future dog food. The fourth coupon was for a free gallon of drinking water for dogs. I am not kidding! It states on the coupon, “Studies have shown that purified drinking water is beneficial for healthy dogs and cats.” (My dog still prefers mudpuddles.) The fifth coupon seal describes a bag of cookies, but it doesn’t have the word “free” printed anywhere so I am fearful that it might be just an advertisement. I put the five coupons in my wallet.
On my next visit to the grocery store I will receive $2.50 off some dog food and maybe a free box of cookies. I will also be sure to get that free gallon of dogwater just so I can serve it to my friends. Later, I’ll have more fun using the dogwater jug for iced tea. So, in summary I will receive discounted dog food, dogwater, free entertainment and maybe a box of cookies. Pretty awesome, but I am guessing that my coupons will not counterbalance the higher gas and food prices. I might also have to cut back on the imitation crab. That is just how it looks from my log cabin.
John LaFevre is a local speaker and co-author of the interactive hiking book series, “Scavenger Hike Adventures, Falcon Guides” by Globe-Pequot Press. E-mail to scavengerhike@aol.com or visit his blog at Falcon.com. G. Webb of Pittman Center does the illustrations for the column. Visit Gwebbgallery.com.
