Well, this past week I was looking down into the holler toward Webb’s Creek thinking about foods that don’t require table manners, eating utensils or etiquette. I am referring to a special group of eats that bypass Emily Post’s 1927 book of etiquette and manners (627 pages long). Emily’s descendants have since completed 17 more editions and added another 237 pages in the last 80 years and so you’ve got to respect any food that has escaped the painful wrath of that up-tight wired family. Etiquette is now a major industry and the Emily Post Institute offers seminars, books, video training and a potful of helpful ideas on how to properly eat asparagus etc. Employees at EPI have full-time careers telling us how to eat, walk, talk and set a table. “What do you do for a living?” “I work at the Emily Post Institute and tell people where to put their forks.” Peter Post, great grandson of Emily, is now the President of the institute and continues to preach manners to the world.

According to the institute, soup should be eaten with a spoon, but it gets much more complicated than that. Imagine the spoon as a miniature boat that you slightly dip into the bowl sideways as you “go out to sea” and then bring the loaded dingy back to the “shore” (your mouth). Eat the soup from the side of your little boat and make Emily Post and her family proud. Did you know that after finishing your meal the fork and knife should be placed parallel with the blade of the knife facing the center of the plate pointing between the 10-2 o’clock positions? I thought not. It would take over 800 pages to get you straightened out on manners so I’ll just skip to the food that is etiquette free.

Corn on the cob, a full-rack of ribs and watermelon always get a free pass. Eating corn on the cob is an etiquette free art form. Load up a paper towel with melted butter and massage that yellow ear before sprinkling salt on the now quickly spinning vegetable. Pretend you are a chipmunk, pig or squirrel and chomp away. Since there are no rules attack it from any direction and position the mauled corn cob anywhere you want. What a vegetable! Thank goodness it escaped the wrath of the godmother of etiquette.

Attila and his Hons set the stage for eating ribs about 1500 years ago. Follow Attila’s lead; grab the rack of ribs, rip it apart and gnaw the meat off the bone. Create a pile of bones by stacking them directly parallel with your left earlobe (just kidding). Even Emily Post didn’t dare challenge a thousand years of rib eating tradition. For cleanliness it is perfectly proper to request a full roll of paper towels.

Watermelon is a great dessert and was made so you could sink your entire face into the cool, watery red and sweet melon. I’m guessing that “dive in” originally referred to watermelon eating, not swimming and anyone who serves wimpy little watermelon “balls” should be ashamed of themselves. I prefer to eat watermelon while standing shirtless in the middle of a cool mountain stream, but if one is not handy just hose yourself down after feasting on a big slice of red ripe watermelon.

There is nothing wrong with complicated table manners and etiquette, but I can chop it down to size. Don’t lick your fingers, don’t speak with your mouth full, always order a glass with a bottle of wine and don’t offend your guest by asking, “Would you like thirds on those beans? For dinner interviews, client meetings or when meeting your girlfriend’s parents always choose a meal of corn on the cob, ribs and watermelon. You won’t need any eating utensils and you can’t go wrong unless you spit the seeds at a house cat. If my “perfect meal” is not available simply go for the soup and grab your dingy. Bona Apperteet. That is just how it looks from my log cabin.

John LaFevre is a local speaker and co-author of the interactive national park hiking book series, Scavenger Hike Adventures, Falcon Guides, Globe Pequot Press. Contact John at scavengerhike@aol.com. Artist G. Webb lives in Pittman Center, Tennessee. Gwebbgallery.com.