More people visit the Great Smoky Mountains National Park than any other park in the United States. The park receives approximately 9 million visitors a year. Established on June 15, 1934, the park consists of over 500,000 acres.
Well, this past week I was looking down into the holler toward Webb’s Creek thinking about the last time I used a hot knife to scrape off a rumpledump that was securely attached to my skull. “Rumpledump” is a home-made word I created to avoid using the distasteful official name of a dreaded and nasty critter known by a name that rhymes with “ick.” Rumpledumps come in various sizes and styles, but all of them share a common interest in feeding on my blood. I hate that when that happens.
I generally love all creatures large and small, but consider rumpledumps and its relatives as key members of my own unofficial Axis of Evil. Any critter that desires my blood as the major part of its diet is not on my gift list. Rumpledumps have a nasty group of relatives. The family tree includes other spiders and scorpions. I don’t care how tasty their potato salad is…I’ll take a pass on that family reunion.
Rumpledumps cannot jump or fly and are slow creepy crawlers. A rumpledump will occasionally drop off an overhead branch to land on its prey or even stalk its victims for very short distances on the ground. The usual way it can latch on to a Type O blood container like me is to patiently cling to a tall blade of grass or a leafy bush until it can sense carbon dioxide from my breath or the slight temperature change caused by my body heat. It will then excitedly wiggle its little hairy legs trying to latch on for a free ride and a free meal ticket. Once aboard it will seek a safe picnic site in a forest of hair or in a remote body location. Rumpledumps are armed with tiny harpoon spears with reverse angled barbs that sink into your flesh in a lock grip. To a rumpledump…you are Moby Dick. Rumpledumps carry terrible diseases such as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme disease. The icing on this cake is that on close examination the bug looks exactly like the horrific creature in that classic film, Alien.
In the interest of public safety awareness, the correct way to remove a rumpledump from a friend’s body is to use tweezers and gently pull it out. Never use a knife or a hot match and always try to avoid leaving the “harpoon” under the skin. Gently advise your friend to remain calm, stop screaming and relax while you search for those tweezers. If tweezers aren’t handy then slide an ATM card (or that TGIF Gift Card you received last Christmas) against its alien-like body and then pull it out. (It will not matter whether the card’s magnetic strip is up or down.)
Since rumpledumps can’t jump or fly they can be easily avoided by staying on the trail and keeping away from tall grasses and bushes. As a common courtesy always ask permission before checking for rumpledumps on a friend or acquaintance. Always observe proper rumpledump ettitick. That is just how it looks from my log cabin.
John LaFevre is a local speaker and co-author of the interactive hiking book series, “Scavenger Hike Adventures, Falcon Guides” by Globe-Pequot Press. E-mail to scavengerhike@aol.com or visit his blog at Falcon.com. G. Webb of Pittman Center does the illustrations for the column. Visit Gwebbgallery.com.
